— Joy Young, “Notes to Self” or “Unsolicited Advice to Myself” or “Unsolicited Advice From a Genderqueer, Trans*, Non-Binary Person Who Cringes Every Time They Have to Fill Out ‘Gender’ on a Survey in Part Because They Want to Correct People’s Conflation of Sex and Gender but Also Because it is Annoying as Fuck” (something I’m working on)
Description of how blessed I feel seems to evade any identification that one word can provide. I ask then that you excuse me while I fumble through a literary attempt in acknowledging my sincere appreciation.
"You are life.Your presence a divine gift. Your waters have flooded the charcoal wasteland In which I dwell. When look out at the endless dunes of soot and ash; I see you washing away the burnt flesh of this world, leaving a wake of rebirth. Your grace is an eternal sustenance, I welcome it and feast in it’s harvest. I thank you your unconditional love, it is the greatest bestowal I will ever know. My love for you extends out through the expanses of time and space to wherever you are. I give you everything that I am; forever will I be yours. You are life, and in you I will always dwell."
You mean everything to me. Thank you for the time you have given me and the memories we have created. Every day is another block in the structure that is our life together. I look forward to one day standing with you gazing upon our masterpiece of architecture.
I love you.
I spent the day preparing.
I collected everything I needed to welcome you into my world. Found all the things to spoil you rotten and bring you comfort during your stay. I hope you will find everything to your liking, to be honest it has been so long since someone has visited; or even desired to see my little world. Your experience of my world will be as novel as my experience having you in it, for that I am slightly nervous, but aware that I have nothing to fear. I know you will look on the hallways and rooms of my little world with the same fondness that I do, I trust you here. The stage is set, the pieces are in their places, everyone now waits for your arrival….
Anonymous said: Tell us more about this girl who has your heart.
This is the precious human who has stolen my heart. Their name is Erin, and together, we are Erin and Emy. They are: wicked funny, enormously kind, smart as fuck, authentic and brave and wildly attractive to me on every level. 23, 6 feet tall, freckled and soft and all good things. We are matched for each other in a way I’ve never been matched with anyone else, in a way I didn’t even believe was possible, especially for someone like me, with all my enormous issues, issues that are somehow perfectly aligned with theirs so that we conquer them together.
What else, what else? We both aspire to become people who are healers of the spirit, through things like art therapy and spirituality. We expertly navigate a cross-border relationship, being that they live 40 miles north of me in Canada, and I am tucked into the northwest corner of Washington state. I can say unequivocably that this, them, us is the best thing that has ever happened to me and that it has a very secure and long-term quality to it. We want a brood of animals, including a pig, goats, and horses, and we’ve toyed with the idea of living in Arizona, British Columbia, and/or Iceland. We’re going to make darling babies, and we are also interested in fostering and/or adopting, especially queer and/or trans- youth.
Are we ahead of ourselves? I like to think we just live outside of linear time, on a different timeline, one that makes perfect sense to us. And in that world, all our dreams are practically real, just like the dream of meeting them was only barely real until last week when we clung to each other at the border where I picked them up and brought them to my— our— home.
I would apologize for flooding these pages with things about soul mates and the serendipity of finding someone like them, but I’m working on accepting where I’m at without apology, this falling in love, this mutual appreciation for each other. I’ve waited so long for it; we both have, and I want to savor it. I know I’ve fucked up with people in the past, I know I’ve been hurt and trust doesn’t come easy, I know things like this can be annoying as fuck, especially when you don’t understand where I’ve been for the past couple months, what collisions of dark and light, existential and providential, this disappearing act I do and how it hurts people I love. I’m still making amends and rebuilding bridges, and I’m sorry for not loving the other people in my life like I love them. But I also know that I trust this, that I love them, that this is us and us is unprecedented. I am enveloped in the miracle of their love, and it is healing me. We are healing each other.
Thank you for asking about them, and I hope I have the support of my followers, but should I not, feel free to unfollow and leave us to our disgusting romantic flailing, like how this very second, I am listening to Dominique Fricot while we Skype each other, both working on our own computers, coexisting in the kind of place that always feels safe.